Latest New Balance Sneaker Release Causes Dad Violence in Suburban Strip Mall

For some dads, a new pair of New Balances came at an extra cost last weekend: Punches to the face.

The highly anticipated release of the Blue “N” on White Leather New Balance 8s sparked a brawl inside Famous Footwear of Westport, Connecticut.

The issue? Supply and demand. New Balance executives decided to make this their last run of the Blue “N” on White Leather New Balance 8, and suburban dads from the surrounding area drove their Subarus to camp out in anticipation of its release.

In fact, some 600 dads lined up for the sneakers. But when store manager Tonya Urban announced the store only carried seven pairs, tensions rose.

“These dads holstered their cell phones and started yelling at me,” Urban said. “You’d think their L.L. Bean flannel-lined jeans had torn or something.”

One shopper, Brad Johnson, admits to instigating the violence.

“My stock portfolio was having a tough day and when I heard they were out of the 8s, I just needed to externalize my frustration,” said Johnson, wearing light blue jeans that got he got for an unbelievable bargain at Sears. “I punched the young man in front of me, apologized, and then he punched me right back.”

According to eyewitnesses, that brawl set off a chain reaction of middling testosterone. Fights broke out amidst dads raising their voices and yelling “I don’t condone this.”

Tony Gibaldi stands as one of the lucky few to cop the New Balances. While other dads quarreled, Gibaldi snuck up to the counter and asked for “one pair of the New Balance 8s please.” (Proof that kindness pays off!)

Gibaldi initially protested the cost of the sneakers, asking the cashier if she thought he was made of money. He then tried to bargain with the cashier but did not succeed. He wound up paying the full $60 even though money doesn’t grow on trees.

When asked to describe his desire for the shoe, he responded with a question.

“How else will people know that I’m a dad?”


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