Macalester Hires New Provost and VP of Student Affairs

Macalester College announces the hiring of Raúl Dos Equis as its new Vice President of Student Affairs and Brandy Woodwark as provost. Dos Equis is a former senior administrator at the Ohio State University while Woodwark comes from Miami University in Ohio.

“We knew with Laurie ‘Hamms’ Hamre leaving, we needed to find someone with a last name that we could utilize in promoting student- centered programming,” said Brian “PBR” Rosenberg. “Dos Equis fills that void. His hiring represents a step in the right direction for the college and expands our paltry beer selection.”

At Ohio State, Dos Equis was popular among the students for his outgoing personality, ability to forge strong connections, and his notoriety as the most interesting man on campus.

“Dos Equis always reminded me of spring break in Cancún,” said Jack Daniels, a junior at Ohio State. “I don’t really remember him being around but I know he was always nearby whenever I needed him.”

New provost Brandy Woodward worked as a professor of chemistry and marketing at Miami.

“We are very fortunate to have Brandy join us in a leadership capacity. Her expertise and energy will serve our campus well… and coincidentally, her first name happens to be my favorite post-dinner pick-me-up,” Rosenberg said.

Originally, the provost position was only open to internal candidates. The college was ready to make an offer to a current Macalester employee but decided against it after a comprehensive background check.

Stated the Board of Trustees: “The rumors are true; Macalester initially approached Brandi from Café Mac for the position. She appeared to be the perfect candidate – cheerful, outgoing, and the students love her. However, we were greatly disappointed to find out that her name ends with an ‘i’ rather than a ‘y’, so we said no.”

The vacancy created by Terry Gorman’s retirement has yet to be filled—although the finalists are rumored to be Gabriel Caipirinha and Alexandra Svedka.

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