A Step-by-Step Guide to Springfest 2012

8:00 A.M. Wake up — flawless

8:01 A.M. Put on underwear

8:15 A.M. Call Jim Hoppe, ask if you can talk to his children, hang up

8:45 A.M. Order 5 pizzas from Domino’s, preemptively

9:00 A.M. Racquetball

9:17 A.M. Stream Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

10:43 A.M. Become frustrated with Keira Knightley

10:45 A.M. Text that girl from your FYC

10:47 A.M. Check your phone — has she texted you back?

11:30 A.M. Is your OL on Facebook? You need alcohol

11:35 A.M. Read The Hegemonocle

11:58 A.M. Check The Daily Piper — is it really Springfest?!

12:00 P.M. Jump on roommate’s bed to wake them up

12:02 P.M. Smoke a j with roommate

12:05 P.M. Nap

12:27 P.M. Wake up from nap. Don’t forget underwear.

12:45 P.M. Turn on Deerhoof/Biz Markie/Word on the Street mixtape

1:30 P.M. Eat lunch at Famous Dave’s with uncle who’s in town to attend live recording of “Prairie Home Companion”

2:15 P.M. Lace drinking water with LSD

3:15 P.M. Send girl from FYC smiling shit emoji

3:16 P.M. Freak out because you meant to send fire emoji

3:40 P.M. Sprint to lawn where sexy athletes throw plates to each other because you hear there are food trucks

3:42 P.M. Catch your breath outside Dupre

3:55 P.M. It’s raining. Run to Kagin with your Korean-Mexican fusion sandwich

4:56 P.M. Realize you’re not drunk. Take 3 tequila shots with RA on call

4:58 P.M. Puke, RA holds hair

5:15 P.M. Ping-pong in Dupre

5:18 P.M. You didn’t break the paddle, it fell

5:46 P.M. Text to uncle, “Great ribs,” autocorrects to “Great tits.”

5:47 P.M. Realize you sent message to girl from FYC

6:45 P.M. Eat leftover ribs and cry in CDC during opening act

7:00 P.M. Listen to Drake

7:15 P.M. Go to Kagin feeling refreshed

7:45 P.M. Hang out with Biz Markie in Dupre 4 quad

8:30 P.M. Hook up with girl from FYC in her friend’s Dupre single

8:36 P.M. Text friends you hooked up with girl from FYC: “She has great ribs”

9:00 P.M. Biz Markie faints during third rendition of “Just a Friend”

9:15 P.M. Steal Biz Markie’s catfish dinner

9:45 P.M. 3 pound shit

9:47 P.M. Ask BriRo at Kagin urinal if you can attend his family’s Seder. Offer to bring lamb shank.

10:22 P.M. Fuck, he’s busy

10:56 P.M. Match pizza slice consumption with shots of vodka

11:02 P.M. Zumba

11:36 P.M. Go home to find roommates playing Minecraft

11:48 P.M. Pass out — flawless

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