A Writer’s Thoughts on Pushing the Envelope

Every now and then one must give the envelope a loving little jab. Repression and restraint are the poisons of the people. How do we fight them? With an ecstatic, earth- shaking, sweet release that can only happen when the envelope is pushed.

The most important thing about the envelope is that it’s closed. Did you lick it? Lick it good? Lick it till your lips went dry and you felt yourself in a desert of bittersweet paper smell mmmmmmm oh yeah that’s nice lick it reallll good, uh huh, seal it up now, that’s it…

Ahem.

Hmph.

Now that the envelope’s closed, place it on a smooth, flat surface. Now take a pen. A long, thin pen, run your fingers up and down, let yourself get… inky. Now gently, with the careful touch of a pianist or a plastic surgeon, place the head of the pen under the envelope. Applying only the slightest pressure, lift. Off the ground, into the air, let the wind soar under that ecstatic white rectangle. Breathe in the ocean air. Ahhh. Oooh.

Begin the forward locomotion. Up and down, forward, precise, rhythmic, like a train. That’s it, look at it rise like the red hot sun, oh, oh, oh, don’t stop, keep going, push, yes!

You see, my little paper clips? My darling Bic Precision Highlighters, do you understand what you’ve just witnessed? Oh yes, my tawdry thumbtacks, my sweet trampy stampies, you have just seen the envelope — pushed.

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