Ernest Jacobsen, a sophomore at Grinnell College, was minding his own business when he came across a posse of eighth graders from the local middle school. They surrounded him and demanded his money and utter submission. Skeptical about the cruelty potential of middle schoolers, Jacobsen refused. Blimey, how he would come to regret that decision.
“First this one kid, they called him Piggy, kicked me square in the gut. Once I collapsed onto my knees, they began to drag me by my hair,” Jacobsen recalled later from the infirmary. “I was brought into the middle school. The hallways were rotten with the smell of Axe Body Spray and unwashed prepubescent gym shorts. The stench alone was enough to knock me out. When I came to, I was on the pavement outside of the nearby Chuck E. Cheese’s, dressed in rags and with a sharp pain in my side.”
Jacobsen had his kidney removed and had suffered what doctors estimate was 30 swirlies and atomic wedgies. Jacobsen is neither the first nor the oldest person to fall victim to these middle schoolers. The Poweshiek County sheriff has been aware of this problem for several years now, but he too is deathly afraid of the possible repercussions of messing with the pre-teens: “It is a well-known fact that middle schoolers are some of the meanest people on the planet.”