ST. PAUL – After last week’s announcement that Macalester will go 100% solar, saving millions of dollars over a 25 year period, President Brian Rosenberg announced that the college would invest all of that money into a Public Relations (PR) campaign aimed to convince prospective students that the school cares about the environment. The PR campaign also intends to clean up some recent comments made by the president regarding the announcement.
“This came down to the college’s bottom line,” the President said recently. “Solar was cheaper than other electricity options, so we pulled the trigger. We can’t go about making these investments if they don’t provide financial benefits for the college.”
Realizing that Macalester students don’t respond well to rational college accounting policies, President Rosenberg quickly changed his tone when he saw my tape recorder sitting on the desk. The school has been known in the past for touting its environmental credentials when recruiting prospective students.
“Christ, is that a tape recorder?” Rosenberg asked. “Macalester is and always will be dedicated to building a sustainable campus in order to prove our dedication to a healthier planet. The college is willing to make significant financial investments in sustainable technology, even if they sometimes aren’t as cost-effective as other, more environmentally harmful technologies.”
Rosenberg began rifling through his trash can, moving paper and plastic Fiji Water bottles into the recycling. He continued: “We believe that sustainability can’t just exist in the form of big ideas or lofty goals, instead, we need to live sustainably today, so future generations can enjoy God’s green earth. Fuck, did I say ‘God?’ I’m gonna get so much shit for this. Why do I talk? You can’t make these people happy.”
The college plans to invest all the savings generated by the new solar contract in brochures and other pulp-based literature highlighting the campus’ commitment to sustainability. One of the brochures to be handed out to prospective students reads: “We have a windmill that definitely probably worked at some point to power a paper shredder in the basement of Olin, and we have a bunch of expensive televisions running 24 hours a day displaying rates of electricity use in the dorms.”
At press time, President Rosenberg was spotted sprinting around the Campus Center with HDMI cables in one hand and a shoebox full of VCR manuals in the other, trying to get those damn TVs to work.