Local St. Paul 17-year-old David Murphy recently woke up to a ghastly surprise that is sweeping the nation: he’s a ghost. Spectreitis apparenza, more commonly known as “ghostism,” is an infectious disease currently causing an epidemic among teens across the United States. Although not permanent, the symptoms include transparency, levitation, sneezing, coughing, eerie wailing, and an affinity for haunting crawl spaces.
David first started noticing his symptoms one afternoon after returning home from school. “I was pushing the front door open when I sneezed and ended up just falling right through into the house — I was scared, confused, and covered in my own ectoplasm. It was not a good day.”
David’s mother, Susan Murphy, said she had never seen the illness before, and was surprised to find out her son was even sick. “It took me a while to realize,” Murphy said. “At first I thought he was behaving normally for someone his age: somber expression, reclusive behavior, moaning coming from his bedroom. You know, regular teen things. Then he started watching a lot of Casper movies and listening to Regina Spektor and I knew I had to take him to the doctor.”
The CDC says that the best way to avoid the illness is to carry talismans and holy water, form protective rings of salt around yourself, and wash your hands frequently. If you do start to show symptoms, the quickest fix is the same as it is for all seasonal illnesses: lots of rest, plenty of fluids, and the occasional séance.