Making true on his campaign promises to return the United States to the conditions of the 1950s, Donald Trump today announced that gas prices have been lowered to $0.20 per gallon. The announcement came as the most recent addition to a long list of other sweeping changes being made as part of Trump’s first one hundred days in office.
“It’s not enough to revert to increased oppression of the black community, the queer community, Muslims, immigrants, and women, folks,” Trump said in a statement. “Our return to the 1950s must be complete, bigly. It’ll be tremendous.” Trump refused to comment on reports that dry cleaners around the country are experiencing an alarming influx of white sheets and hoods.
In addition, tech companies in Silicon Valley are already beginning to phase out tablets and computers and replace them with typewriters, in accordance with Trump’s new measures. Employers across the nation are laying off their female employees, telling them to go home and cook a nice dinner for their husbands before they get home from work. Ivanka Trump’s role in the presidential transition is reportedly being phased out in favor of more domestic duties. Said Trump, “You know, I love my daughter folks, but don’t you think she’s spending too much time away from her husband? Yeah, I think so too. Sorry Ivanka, beautiful women like you just shouldn’t leave the house!”
Furthermore, schools all over the country are teaching children to “duck and cover” in the event of a nuclear attack, all the more likely given Trump’s recent Tweet in apparent support of nuclear proliferation. However, his latest Tweet regarding the United States’ nuclear capabilities was more innocuous: he Tweeted a picture of the turtle in the “Duck and Cover” video, with the caption, “Reminds me of Low Energy Jeb and his sad turtles! Haha!”
Melania Trump is also embracing the 50s aesthetic. Sources say that she plans to wear a poodle skirt in every official photograph, as well as serve meatloaf and green bean casserole on formica tables at the accompanying banquet.
Rick Dodds, an Ohio factory worker and avid Trump supporter, was overjoyed at the news about the lowered gas prices. “At least now I’ll be able to afford gas when Trump’s disastrous tax policies increase the national debt and reduce the availability of social services!” He added that the money he will save by paying less for gas will allow him to pay for health insurance out of pocket, once he loses his current Obamacare plan.