Applying for Sophomore housing is infamously known as a stressful aspect of a first-year’s experience at Macalester College. Here’s some information on the big options of living.
Bigelow? I thought I was in Turck?
Dupre is where first-years live, you idiot. You can live there but you’re going to have to be extra mean to the any first-year that you come across.
Wallace is an historic dorm. It was the original living quarters at Mac. Incoming students should keep an eye on the staircases though–they like to change. The thirdfloor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death.
The Veggie Co-Op is where vegetarians live, and you are hardly a vegetarian. Do you have a nose ring? Well… you can pass I suppose but you’ll need to put some more stickers on your Macbook Pro before moving in.
Bigelow? I could have sworn that I would be in Wallace by now–I’m just trying to get back there. Why are the lights so dim here? The way they flicker is making me really uncomfortable. I would ask for directions but most of the rooms are empty. Maybe somebody in that dorm made out of gingerbread and gumdrops over yonder could help me.
Kirk is known for its freaking sweet location. Dude, if we lived in Kirk we would be going to the gym like 24/7. I’d get that ripped upperclassmen bod. Also I hear it has split doubles!
30 Mac is a nudist colony.
GDD is nice from what I hear. I don’t know what the letters stand for and am quite embarrassed because of this. What the hell is the Lock for that matter? Oh Loch? Like the Loch Ness, oh shit that makes so much sense–Nessie’s, like the Loch Ness Monster, I get it. GDD kind of sounds like GRE and I should probably know what that stands for. Fuck it, I’m a first-year looking for housing, I don’t need to know that shit yet.
Do’s & Dont’s:
Do: Repeat “not Slytherin… not Slytherin” before clicking on the your roster time information.
Do: Purchase a metal canteen and/or leather waterskin if you live in Kirk, as the nearest water source is miles away.
Don’t: Lie to yourself about living with Stacy and Lisa, they’re way too cool for you.
Do: Beat up the biggest inmate on the very first day of residency if you live in Dupre hall.
Don’t: Think that you’re not cool enough to live with Stacy and Lisa, you’re totally cool enough, right? You should ask them today. Yeah, maybe you should just bring it up at lunch or something.
Do: Cause a distraction when people are picking their room.
Don’t: Cry when you’re locked into the system as the 30BigWall RHD’s little spoon after having been allured by their appealing roster time.
Do: Keep a low profile if you live in Dupre. Also it’d be for the better if you could find something sharp and pointy in case any trouble arises. Toothbrushes, for example, can be worn down on the white walls until they come to a point.
Don’t: Be mad at Stacy and Lisa, they said that they wanted to live in a double next year, and you knew that. You’ll probably get to live with them Junior year off-campus–or at least sublet for them.