Hi Phil, so glad you’ll be staying in our home as our first Airbnb guest. We hope you enjoy your time in the city. Anyways, we just wanted to give you a quick list of rules for the house, I think you’ll find them all pretty agreeable.
– DO NOT antagonize the Nåchzehrµr. He is content to lie in his coffin in the basement, spreading plague, despair, and poor crop yield through his malevolent telekinetic abilities. Things that may antagonize the Nåchzehrµr include: loud music, big parties, and putting a brick in his mouth and cutting his head off.
– Take your garbage to the curb. Collection day is Thursday but if you miss it don’t worry, they’ll always be another Thursday. – DO NOT feed the Nåchzehrµr. He does not eat regularly but rises only on the solstice to devour the rotted corpses of his family. Attempting to feed the Nåchzehrµr will only antagonize him (see rule 1). The guest that fed the Nåchzehrµr received a very poor rating on the Airbnb app and had to be shipped back to his family in a cigar tin.
– As any good home should, we have two keys. The main key is under a rock on the porch.
– The spare key is in the basement, tucked neatly in the Nåchzehrµr’s coffin. DO NOT try to rip the key from the Nåchzehrµr’s cold dead claw. If you take his key, he WILL retrieve it. We advise that you not lose the main key.
– Laundry is in the basement and is complimentary. Make sure to shake the sand out of your clothes before you put them in the laundry. The Nåchzehrµr DOES NOT like the sound of sand rattling in the drier. It will for sure antagonize him (see rule 1). Also, we keep detergent and fabric softener on a shelf above the washer. Take as much as you need.
– DO NOT pour fabric softener on the Nåchzehrµr. The basement is very dark and rank as to resemble the conditions of a 7th century German cemetery. As it may be difficult to distinguish the Dyson CR01 Washer from the bespoke stone sarcophagus that houses the vengeful Nåchzehrµr, so please just make sure you know which is which before you start pouring fabric softener. – Guests are welcome. We know a lot of Airbnb hosts frown on guests but our family philosophy has always been the more the merrier.
– If you do bring guests, please DO NOT neglect to alert the Nåchzehrµr of their presence. We request that you bring a small sample of clothing or hair to the basement and place it on a napkin in front of the Nåchzehrµr’s coffin. If he does not recognize the scent of your guest, the Nåchzehrµr will ruthlessly hunt them and drag their desecrated corpse into the depths of the blighted earth. So just give him a heads up. – The wifi password is: isubmittothenåchzehrµr. All lowercase.