New Executive Order Ruins Life For Definitely Everyone This Time

Among the flood of new executive orders signed by President Trump, the most recent one is turning heads. At approximately 1:30 PM EST on March 19th of 2017, Trump signed a new order: every morning, all Americans will henceforth be required to put on highly absorbent socks and step in a puddle of water which Chris Christie puts on their bathroom floor. They are then duty-bound to wear the socks for the rest of the day. This measure will ensure that absolutely no individual will be exempt from being at least reasonably miserable under his regime.

“You know folks, I’ve been getting a lot of complaints about how I do my job recently — it’s true,” Trump was quoted saying during a press conference shortly after the televised signing of the order. “People have been saying to me, ‘Donald, you’re amazing, you’re great, we love you, but some people have been saying–fake news I’m sure–that you’re making life difficult for many Americans.’ So I thought what better way to solve the problem than to level the playing field?”

Already the American public is up in arms over this added order from the cisgendered, heterosexual, upper-class, white male President, including individuals that were originally resigned to just “deal with it” for the next four years.

“I really didn’t see this coming,” said Jonathan Bradford ’19, a cisgendered, heterosexual, upper middle-class, Protestant, white male from Dallas, Texas with both his sun and moon signs tattooed on his bicep. “I saw everyone protesting and calling their senators about racist healthcare and bans on walls, and I figured that all we could really do was hunker down for the next four years. But I totally get it now. I understand their pain. This executive order is definitely going too far, cuz like, what could be worse than wet socks all day every day? What if I get trench foot? And what if I want to wear flip flops?”

Future executive orders with similar goals such as these are rumored to be on the horizon, such as a ban on having a dick longer than the president’s. The president stated that he would take personal responsibility by doing all the measuring himself.

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