Study Finds Dolphins Smart Enough to Solve Rubik’s Cubes, Get a 35 on the ACT, Fuck Your Mom

We know that dolphins are adorable little fish-mammals, but a recent study suggests that they have more to them than meets the eye. Scientists put 15 groups of dolphins from all across the world through a series of tests to see just how intelligent those slippery flippers really are, and the results were shocking. Almost half of the dolphins were able to solve a Rubik’s Cube, given enough time, which proves that they really aren’t that hard, and you’re just an idiot. Even more surprising, the majority of them scored between a 33 and a 35 on the ACT, which really shines light on how mediocre your super scored 32 really was, no matter how “proud of you” your parents are. And speaking of your parents, every single last one of those dolphins was able to fuck your mom. Those smooth talkers were able to get your mom into bed for some passionate aquatic mammal coitus, and your dad even watched. He got a lot out of it. Saved their marriage, seems like. He said something about “Finally understanding what she needs.” Listen, I’m not a marine biologist or anything, but I think that makes these dolphins something really special.

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