Disillusioned First Year Attends First “Progresso Party”

Eager to gain notoriety on campus and attract potential players, the Men’s Rugby team hosted a three stop Progresso Party last Saturday Night.

Said Sophomore Liam Trout: “You know, it feels like the frisbee and football teams have Progressos every other weekend, and I’ve been to at least three this year for CHEEBA alone and so we gured–why not have a rugby Progresso?”

The Progresso featured seven types of soup ranging from a light, lemony, parsley-infused avgolemono to a hearty beef tip chili topped with a saltine garnish, and was considered by most to be a deliciously successful event.

One rst year identifying himself only as “Angus,” however, was not so impressed by the savory evening. “What the fuck is a Progresso anyway? It makes no sense, is it just a party with soup? I just don’t get it.” While his fellow rst years were eagerly facing such Progresso hazing classics as the two story soup-bong or “stew stands” out of the 12 gallon clam chowder keg, Angus was seen drinking vodka in the corner and frequenting the bathroom. “My heart just wasn’t in it” Angus revealed in an email— “Everybody had their own can opener—what the fuck kind of school is this?”

By the end of the Progresso several team members and rst years alike were seen passed out amid jagged cans of Chicken Noodle Soup and Jalapeño Cheddar, noses dusted with ne cracker dust–but the night did not end there.

At 3:37 in the morning Senior David Matthews was pulled over while driving several team members home. Police reports allege that his blood sodium content was three times the legal limit at the time of the arrest, and eye-witness reports have Matthews slurping on a half- lled Chunky Gumbo as the cops approached his car, belly distended and shirt stained, exhibiting the textbook signs of a soup binge.

“I guess I just didn’t think this is what college was gonna be like. Sure, I expected the peer pressure, just never really soup-related. I thought that the Bisque Bash Spring Sampler was just a one off quirk when I visited… They were playing beer pong with soup cans…I just, I think I just need some time to adjust.”

Until then rugby practices will be held every Tuesday and Thursday evening from 5-7 pm at Ramsey Middle School. Tell your friends.


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