Listen up. I know everyone thinks that Dr. Seuss book “Green Eggs and Ham” is all cute and shit, I know it’s hot right now, but there’s something you’ve got to understand. I’m Pete, the guy who ate those green eggs and ham, and let me tell you what old Doc Seuss said that the people weren’t ready to hear. I ate Sam I Am’s green eggs and ham and now I have food-borne giardia; do not trust that slimy fuck.
“Oh wow, Sam I Am must be so great with that red hat and shit”, NO! FUCK NO! That rancid dicked fuck machine is the sleaziest egg peddler you’ll ever have the displeasure of encountering. That godless sex weasel turns on a space heater and closes all the windows before he gets his perverse little freak on. He told me he can taste the musk, calls it “hardon monoxide”. Yeah, not so fucking cute now, huh?
“Oh man, he’s probably great with kids, right? He’s got all those wacky gadgets and fucking pointy boots and shit”, NO HE FUCKING ISN’T! I saw that motherfucker smash a 4 year old’s balls with a 5 iron. He bent over this kid, writhing in pain, screaming for his mother, and pulled out a plate of those goddamn green eggs and ham. He smiled, looked right into that child‘s eyes and said, “Would you eat them little Stuart? Would you eat them on life support? Eat them, eat them, won’t you sport?” Then he laid the plate gently down on a napkin and walked away fucking whistling. But no, he’s the FUN ONE!
“Gee wiz, and I bet those green eggs and ham are real healthy too, probably free range and organic and they feed the pigs fucking quiche or some shit”, NO! YOU KNOW NOTHING! I’ve seen how he does it, and I see it again every night as I lay awake in bed, brimming with giardia induced diarrhea. Now you may think that pigs and chickens don’t photosynthesize, and you’d be right, but that emaciated poon demon Sam I Am just couldn‘t let it go. He buries these helpless live pigs neck deep in his dirt floored basement, then drowns their squeals with his rusty watering can. As he pours ice cold water down their throats he leans it to whisper, “drink it, drink it you fat fucks.” I looked in their eyes and could feel them begging me for the sweet release of death, but I was too afraid of what Sam might do to me. Please, someone find these pigs and kill them. Kill them all. I’ve seen their broken souls; fuck I’ve seen so much.