Local Dad Arrested At Minnesota Zoo For Putting New Balances On Every Animal

APPLE VALLEY, MN — This past Saturday, local father Doug Withers was arrested in the dead of night at the Minnesota Zoo’s American Bison exhibit. When authorities arrived on the scene, five of the seven shaggy ungulates were sporting brand new New Balance sneakers, and Withers was preparing to dress the sixth.

“As a New Balance aficionado myself, I appreciated what the suspect was trying to do for these animals,” said police officer and father of four Mark Bortly. “But it’s technically trespassing and there are regulation s against dressing zoo animals, even in limited edition colorways.”

By the time Withers was apprehended, he had made his way through every exhibit, leaving behind a trail of sneaker-sporting animals. Even the Asian Small Clawed Otters were modeling J Crew X New Balance Espresso-Inspired 997 Cortados.

Animals which operate under complex hierarchies, such as the wedge-capped capuchins, are reported to have devolved into chaos with the addition of shoes to their lives.

“These monkeys really can’t deal with this at all,” said local animal behaviorist Melinda Donnell. “Now that their movement capability has been equalized, there’s nothing but hubris in that exhibit.”

From jail, Withers was adamant about the value of his mission.

“You won’t believe how good these creatures are at walking now,” he said. “There’s no doubt in my mind that these animals appreciated the ADZORB cushioning and the support and durability provided by the ENCAP midsole technology.”


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