All Star Senior Chooses Spotify.

Second semester senior Tammy McDaniels has announced that she has subscribed to Spotify Premium. McDaniels, Phi Beta Kappa, is an avid music fan and Computer Science major but until now had not declared her streaming allegiance. In a statement Friday Tammy said, “You know, I held out as long as I could; I have a record collection and sometimes I even pirated music.” When asked how she kept her bangers trending, “like everyone my age I use YouTube a lot, but everyone picks a streaming service eventually.” McDaniels didn’t make her choice blind though. “I got a taste for different … Continue reading All Star Senior Chooses Spotify.

Study Finds Dolphins Smart Enough to Solve Rubik’s Cubes, Get a 35 on the ACT, Fuck Your Mom

We know that dolphins are adorable little fish-mammals, but a recent study suggests that they have more to them than meets the eye. Scientists put 15 groups of dolphins from all across the world through a series of tests to … Continue reading Study Finds Dolphins Smart Enough to Solve Rubik’s Cubes, Get a 35 on the ACT, Fuck Your Mom

Mac Student Highlights of 2017 for your astrological sign

Aries: a bad case of gastroenteritis on your birthday weekend Taurus: “accidentally” send nudes to your advisor on two separate occasions Gemini: your 4 year old cousin tells you they’re disappointed in you Cancer: wait two hours in the rain for your bus; get on the wrong bus Leo: slam your finger in the fridge door twice in one day Virgo: mom reveals that the pet fish you had when you were five did not actually “run away” Libra: overhear your RA calling you a “huge fuckin’ narc” Scorpio: you misuse the term “neoliberal” in your politics class; the professor … Continue reading Mac Student Highlights of 2017 for your astrological sign

Letters to the editors, from the editors:

Dear Jamie, Michelle and Joe. Ross and that other guy (Harvey?). Lydia and Tom. After today, we join this list of The Hegemonocle Editors-in-Chief Emeritus who served between the Fall 2013 and Spring 2017 semesters. Jamie and Austin. These are our names. Picture them at the end of the list above. Also, I just remembered that guy’s name. It was (and still is, I bet) Henry. As our time as co-Editors-in-Chief comes to a close, I want to remind you of all the other titles we’ve held within the Hege organization. They include, chronologically: Staff Writer, Eye Candy, Leading Consultant, … Continue reading Letters to the editors, from the editors:

Failed U.S. attempts to assassinate Fidel Castro:

Exploding Cuban cigar Booby trapped conch placed on the sea floor A lot of wind A bullet to the brain Two bullets to the brain Loosening the wheel on his heelies (this is actually really dangerous cuz you could slip and hurt yourself real bad) Painting a tunnel on a rock wall Cyber bullying Falling pianos Domestic sugar production The slow march of time Continue reading Failed U.S. attempts to assassinate Fidel Castro:

I Don’t Smoke Cigarettes Because it’s Cool, I Do it Because it Turns Me into a Bald Eagle With a Really Big Dick

Hey what are you looking at? You think I do this because I look cool, because it makes me look like some sort of big cheese? Fuck that, no way. I do it because it turns me into a bald … Continue reading I Don’t Smoke Cigarettes Because it’s Cool, I Do it Because it Turns Me into a Bald Eagle With a Really Big Dick