An FBI investigation is underway at Macalester College after Eric Brockton ’20 made a startling discovery at approximately 11:30 pm Wednesday night. The hungry first-year was searching for a vending machine in the basement of Dupre Residence Hall when he accidentally uncovered a converted holding pen in the 10K performance venue. Although the facility itself is a significant discovery, it was the legion of David Sisks scurrying around the room and warning each other not to share their passwords that really shocked Brockton.
“Well, ya know, one second I’m on the median smoking some new shit called ‘Socratic Sativa’ and then next thing I know I open one wrong door and there they are. There must’ve been 60 or 70 Sisks just living there,” Brockton said. “I wouldn’t have known who they were except for that picture that is attached to all the emails—I always thought it was a stock photo or something.”
Discovering the Sisks disrupted Brockton’s usual Wednesday night activities.
“Usually I get pretty high but I must’ve been zonked, I mean, I freaked out. Also I do have Venmo if anyone is interested in buying, just keep it lowkey though.”
In connection with the incident, several high-ranking Macalester officials have been taken into custody, including President Brian Rosenberg and Kevin the Therapy Dog.
Saint Paul Police Chief Eugene Sampson declined to comment on the situation, but an unnamed source close to the investigation linked Kevin’s known past as a barbiturate drug lord to the theory that the Sisks were being cloned and used as drug mules. Others around campus, including biology major Delmar Aaronson ’18, were shocked and appalled by the cloning project. “I always thought Sisk was some sort of computer bot or a thesis project or something,” Aaronson said. “I mean I know that all of my friends didn’t think he was real either, let alone that there were dozens of him. The scary thing is that if they treat him like we treat our test rats then they must’ve run through thousands by now.”
Since the Sisks’ first exposure with the outside world, several have escaped and interacted with people on campus, including philosophy major Erica Gelnatt ’18.
“Yea, I’ve seen some of them around. Definitely saw one crawling out of a compost bin this morning with a whole stack of oatmeal raisin cookies,” Gelnatt said. “And I know that some of my friends were there when the Sisks broke into the DRC. I heard that by the time the cops showed up they had burrowed out. I mean, I don’t see what the big deal is—they aren’t hurting anyone. If we’re going to do anything we need to have a colloquium first, but I say just let ‘em be.”
Reports from the Sisk camp early this morning confirmed that the situation had deteriorated when one Sisk refused to give up the communal laptop that he was using after his allotted time had ended. When a rival gang came to force him off the computer, the room exploded into violence.
“From a sociological viewpoint the experiment is actually quite amazing. They’ve constructed a whole hierarchy, a society of opposing Sisks,” said sociology professor Danielle Gross. “Of course, it is a little troubling that the whole operation wasn’t disclosed and I suppose it’s an ethical gray area, but ya know, Dupre seems to be a good home for them with the dark dampness and all that.”
The Sisks will remain in the 10K facility until enough host families come forward to house them. However PASSWORD (Parents And Students for Sisks Who Ought to Remain in Dupre) continues to hold sit-ins across Saint Paul advocating for a permanent Sisk-home in 10K.
Newly promoted “Prime Chancellor of the English Language,” Marlon James, who is filling in for President Brian Rosenberg while he is in police custody, is expected to release a Facebook update on the situation by the end of the week.
Until then, it is now more important than ever that you don’t give ITS your password. The Sisks’ motives are still unknown.
The Macalester Hegemonocle 